As I get up this morning, I feel a bit overwhelmed. And I feel as though this is a safe place to share how I really feel about some things since no one really reads it anyways.
You know that feeling, when you have been searching your whole life to find that one thing that makes you happy...that makes you feel like this is the main reason you were created? It's getting a little deep here, ladies, so if you are not up for that sort of thing, feel free to leave. But this blog is a great deal for myself, and my own personal growth, and my growth as a business woman.
Well, I feel as though my whole life has led me to this point. Each step was important. I didn't go to college to find friends, I already have the best. I didn't go to college really knowing what I wanted to do. I always felt as if whenever someone asked me "What do you want to do when you grow up?" that I should have an answer. Not for myself, but to make my parents happy. My parents expected me to have an answer. However, I always went with what I thought was the easiest thing for me. I would always choose something that I felt confident in at the time. Something that seemed like a smart choice. Once, I had said "Doctor!" Another time I said "Professional Writer!" Yet another time I said, "Music Teacher!" Again, I said "Actress and Stage Manager!" And all these times, I said these things because I felt like I just needed an answer to give. I could easily see myself doing these things. They were all things I enjoyed.
But throughout the process, I never felt like doing them as work was truly enjoyable. Doing them as work turned them into work. It took the love I had for them away completely. Something was just never right.
Until I realized something.
Makeup. Getting paid to do makeup made it even MORE awesome.
Now, I know it may sound silly, but just hear me out. I never seriously considered going into the cosmetics industry. I never realized that was an option. It didn't seem like the highest level on the totem pole, I guess. It seemed like I could be doing something bigger, making more money, learning more useless things...
Let me explain...I live in America where your success is not measured in just the joy you receive from doing your job, doing it well, and enjoying it the whole time. In America, your success is measured in how much money you make, how many likes your facebook page has, how many followers your blog has, and how many nice things you can have for yourself because of all these things. And that makes me very sad for America as a whole.
Now, I have struggled for most of my college life trying to figure out what the heck I want to do, what the heck I actually CAN do, and what to do about it. I ended up at Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College...I feel as though it was not a mistake, but that is was definitely important. But it made life extremely difficult. I feel as though learning at the school is almost impossible for me. There are so few students (about 4-18 students) in each class, it puts the atmosphere into one that is pretty much just like high school. There are clicks. Everyone has a name, and there are so few people there that it makes you feel like you HAVE to know their names, even if you don't want to. Like you have to make friends. It makes it really awkward sometimes. And I have issues with that sort of stuff...
When I start feeling awkward, it puts me into this weird mode where I can't get myself to do anything. Unless I feel like I have a place where I belong in a group somewhere, I am going to freak out internally the whole time. And I reach a freaking out point where I just avoid that environment altogether...which is not good.
However, when I am in a large group of 40-??? people whom I don't know, I am fine. I can sit among random strangers and never care. In those moments, I don't feel like I have to make friends, or be social. I am simply there to learn something. And I'm not good at meeting new people. It takes a while for me to be comfortable around someone. Which is leading me to feel as though a small college is not for me. I love the people whom I have grown close to, but when you are in classes where there are only 10 people, it's the end of the semester and you still don't know anyone's name because you're freaking out about it and can't seem to remember ever...ugh. Yeah. This is kind of how my brain works.
But the thing is, when you become so emotionally attached to teachers and professors, it makes it hard to leave...because it's so personal. You feel like you are betraying someone who's been a great friend and advisor. Someone you trusted. It's kind of like a break up, to be completely honest. It's always awkward to see that person afterwards.
Which is why this home-based business thing is for me. It's also why I think I would do well talking online courses. And it's also why I think I would even do well in a HUGE campus setting. Because I am most certainly NOT doing well academically at SMWC. I think for some people, the environment that I am in is great. I know it has helped me flourish as a person and it has brought me to where I am...but I also know that I am not really gaining anything from the education here. Which is sad. It also makes me feel like I have to participate in things. Which there is nothing wrong with. But I feel like sometimes, those things distract us. I need to focus, and at SMWC, there is just too much going on for me to focus. There is always some kind of drama...
Which leads me to the end of my venting. This is where I am. I have spent 6 semesters feeling like I have gained nothing from most of my classes. I was able to get through my first 4 semesters because I had friends. They encouraged me. They helped me scrap by. But I was not happy here. I have wanted to transfer numerous times. I have cried for hours over wanting to transfer. I have cried to my mom to let me. But she always says no. So I finally gave up. And when I gave up trying to get her to let me, I kind of also gave up trying to care...which is sad. And it is not who I am. But I am also not a person who can survive in an environment that doesn't work for me.
But the past years have been emotionally difficult, and I have been through more than I can stand sometimes. I've seen my lowest days, I know for sure. I think I am depressed. I sometimes wake up and am overcome by this incredible sadness, which has no reason really because all I did was wake up, and I end up not being able to get out of bed or do anything. I just lay there and try to calm down, or I fall back to sleep. So then I try to cheer myself up by going and doing something fun. And it helps. But then I feel behind and overwhelmed and I think that everyone else is going to think I'm weird, and I'm freaking out the whole time thinking I will run into someone from school or something... like I said, I think I am probably depressed.
Ugh. On that downer note, the semester is pretty much over. I have stuff to do tonight, and some stuff to do during the week, but the classes are over. We'll see how next year goes...
Thanks for reading..